


The First Day When

by wonhui (clarissafairchild)



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Fluff, Fluffy Ending, M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-01
Updated: 2017-11-01
Packaged: 2019-01-27 18:32:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12588036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clarissafairchild/pseuds/wonhui
Summary: Maybe we only die when we forget that we can die at any moment. The same goes to born again.





	The First Day When

**Author's Note:**

> Originally in Portuguese in Spirit Fanfics.

I remember when I was a kid, when I was in school, and they laughed at me. Because of my looks, my quiet way, my lack of motor coordination, by all of this together, you know. Children are children, they know nothing about the world, so they know how to be cruel. Anyway, I remember that every single day, when I came home from the school, sad and discouraged because everyone hated me, I tried to revive myself by planning a reinvention of myself. Every week I planned meticulously that next week I would be another self, I would be a completely different person, that people would really like. I had these seven days to plan "my new personality." It never worked. I don't even remember why exactly. Maybe because I tried to be a person I am not, instead of just showing the real self that I hid for fear of people making fun of me (as if they didn't already ...). Maybe because deep down inside I knew those people didn't deserve me. Maybe because I was too young to have a real me, if that thing even exists. One day, when I realized, here I am, a person completely different from that boy, and at the same time I am still him. I didn't notice the changes happening, and they were nothing like I planned. And now people like me. They truly like me, with all my many faults. Maybe we only die when we forget that we can die at any moment. The same goes to born again.

I remember when I met Seungkwan, maybe it was early in my "maturation". Whatever you call it. Maybe he helped me and we didn't even notice. I fell in love immediately. In part, he has always been the opposite of me: extroverted, lovable, talented, naturally amused. I always fell in love with outgoing people, they always seem to know how to get the best of us. We forget that they also have their insecurities, they suffer.

I remember when I kissed him "unintentionally" at Soonyoung's birthday party. A small, crowded, dark place, lit only by neon colored lights, stocked with food and energy, with our crazy friends jumping to some strange, fun disco music.

"Sorry..."

He just laughed so hard. A scandalous laugh. I knew he was laughing at the situation and not at me - technically - so I also started laughing non-stop. I don't know if any of our friends around us saw it, or understood why we laughed wildly. I didn't care, seriously. I tried to look like it was unintentionally, but he isn't disconnected like me. He got it. In the midst of all that mess, he looked at me and listened, and saw. Does he always pay attention to me?

We get drunk at a party for the first time in our lives. Not alcohol drunk, like most of our friends there, but love drunk by that uncomfortable and yet so good feeling you feel when you are with someone who really appeals to you. The pounding in the heart and the silly smile that comes out spontaneously when one is loved. Why do we want to be loved so much? Damn, because it's too good.

That day I realized that he always pays attention to me, and I paid so much attention to him that I didn't even see it. I don't know if saying something like that makes sense to someone, but to me does. Sometimes we look at a person so much, but we don't actually see.

We shared a room for almost 2 years. We met at almost 4, I think. I don't know when I realized that I really was in love with him, when I try to remember, the memories always seem confused and disconnected. It's as if everything happened suddenly, but I know it's not how it works. I wonder why our mind does such tricks.

After the kiss and our laughter crisis that must have lasted some 3 songs, probably 10 minutes, he took my hand. He took my hand and started pulling me to the street. He said he needed to breathe a little.

Which was strange, after all how could he recover... in that. When we left the party and faced the street, the air there wasn't clean or happy like it was in there. It was polluted and sad and simply dark with its few weak and ugly yellow lights.

"You got the look 'I saw something that inspired me and I'm going to write 400 songs about'." he said, waking me up from my thoughts.

"Can you tell when I'm like this?"

"Yes."

"Why do you always notice me?"

"Because... well...yes."

I really wanted to write. About how really ugly the world is, but we can make it look better simply by being a little more nice sometimes. That we all have our own worth and our own beauty. About all the bullshit I did trying to get people to like a self that I probably wasn't, and how special people came into my life when I stopped trying so hard. Like Seungkwan.

Maybe we only find love when we forget that it exists, which is when we need it the most.


End file.
